30 Weeks
I believe I’ve mentioned I’m delivering at Good Samaritan because of their Level 3 NICU vs. Bethesda North which only has a Level 1. Though Hannah will be transferred to Children’s immediately, I guess we still need to be somewhere with the best care for any immediate needs.
We took a tour of Good Sam today, mainly to know what door to enter and what floor to go to. Other than that, Tim won’t be spending any more time there once Hannah is transferred and hopefully I won’t be there much longer. Knowing those facts made this tour unexpectedly emotional for me and a real drag.
I know Good Sam is extremely wonderful at what they do with amazing care… though I wasn’t ready for how old the hospital looks. I know they’ve been around a while, but was a little shocked at how drab it felt inside. Or maybe that was my mood being projected on my surroundings.
I looked around at all the first-time parents and sad feeling rose inside me; knowing we wouldn’t be staying in this hospital, that my husband and baby will have to leave me alone there… Then they walked us to the nursery and I could barely look inside without tears starting to fall out of my eyes. My baby won’t be in that cozy nursery. I stayed back from the window.
I left the tour in a foul mood and once we drove away, I lost it for a few minutes. A brief moment of me needing to let it out, sad we won’t have a “normal” experience.
Once I shook it off, Tim reminded me that Children’s is where we’ll be spending our time and that place rocks and has such a positive, pulsing vibe in it - this truth made me come back around to my good place. Being around other families in the Children’s NICU will feel more supportive.
So while I know there are good intentions with comments like “Oh, you’re so strong/I couldn’t do what you’re doing,”… well, I’m no stronger than anyone else and yes, you could do this; any parent would tighten his/her bootstraps, find determination and move forward.
Today took me off-guard. Though the emotional stumble surprised me, I’m glad I had it; remind myself it’s okay to stumble as we take this new path.
My heart hurts thinking about what your heart will be going through surrounding Hannah's birth. It's totally ok and healthy to mourn what you won't have and I'm happy you have an amazing husband to help you see past it. As you know, a lot of times people don't know what to say but want to say something. I'm sorry if I ever say something that feels annoying and too pep-talky. I heard a lot of that kind of stuff myself so I try to catch it. Keep writing. And thanks for sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jamie! Yeah, it's just tricky... I welcome support but I totally understand it's hard to know what to say. I'm sure with your past emotions, you were in the same tricky place with support : )
Deletethat's too bad that good sam is run-down, but great that they have such good care to offer. i hope you can get to children's soon after and be with your family. i can see how the tour would be hard to take. we are thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kara!
DeleteWhen June was in the special care nursery and we would go in to spend time with her, we would notice the other nurses from all over the hospital would come down and spend time with the other baby that was in there. I took solace in knowing that those people were doing the same for June, holding her, talking to her, etc. while we weren't in there. I know it won't be ideal, but I hope your nurses give you the same kind of relief. Thinking about you, Stine!
ReplyDeleteThanks Mandy! Appreciate the thought!
DeleteSo this is the first time I've commented on your blog in maybe ever? So hello, lovely Christine. <3 We had Natalie at Good Sam. Man, you're so right. Half of it is remodeled, and the other half is so depressing. Hopefully you'll get a good recovery room, since that's the main place you'll be anyway. Thinking of you lots and wishing all the best for you and your sweet Hannah (I love that name).
ReplyDeleteThanks Ariana : )
Delete